Sabar

I think, I have morphed from a temperamental bitchy monster into a very patient person. Usually I would yell if I lost my patience but nowadays i just rolled my eyes, campak barang sikit-sikit and pretended nothing happened. But today I need to voice this out so I don't go crazy.

Really.

Is it just me, or I really need to berebut with my maid to spend time with my son? I mean, I AM spending time with him, its just that, during the weekends, I want to do everything for him, like bathe him, feed him, masak, everything, in short. Its bad enough that I let that old lady do EVERYTHING the whole week, i dont want to pass my responsibility to her 100% and only goyang kaki during the weekends. What does that make me???????

But I guess I have been slacking in the past few weeks leading my maid to think that I only want my baby when he's all cleaned up, kenyang and happy. She thinks its HER responsibility to take care of the baby when the baby is crying, or hungry, or sleepy. Or anytime, actually. She would come and take kimi away when he's crying. She seems to think that I want time off from the baby and that i want to simply rest and be at home without 

Really. If I hadnt thought that she is actually doing a good job taking care of my baby, and that we had spent a lot to get her, I would NOT hesitate to actually say those precious words to her. Today i was sleeping with Kimi, when she came and asked, "Puan, taknak parutkan buah utk kimi?" I said, "takpe nanti saya buat" and sambungla tidur since kimi pon tidur. When i woke up, i went to the kitchen to prepare fruit utk kimi, she said, "Itu sudah saya parutkan itu."

Oh. Pekak ke? Aku bukan dah kata jangan ke? The reason aku nak buat sendiri is I want to do something else for him like do it my style. Bodoh. Ach being kind said, "maybe dia tak dengar kot awak kata tak payah. takpe awak parut je yang lain yang dia parut tu meh saya makan". Okay thanks for being nice, hubster, (i dont know what i would do if i dont have you!) but that is not the point.

The point is, if I say I want to do it, I WANT TO DO IT la. I HAVE TO DO IT. There's a reason why I want to do it. Kalau dia dah buat takkan aku nak buang pulak? Things like that make me feel sidelined. Why am I not the one doing it? Whyyy? And she cant keep giving lame excuses like, "ya allah puan saya tak dengar!" "puannn saya lupa la namanya pun sudah tua ya kan" or "gimanaa saya tak tau". Salah aku ke kau tua? Bukan aku dah siap phone interview awal awal aritu tanye umur berapa? Bukan aku dah sound awal awal ke kerja kau aper??? Salah aku ke kau tipu aku? Bodoh. The worst thing is, I can't yell, but I can't be nice either. So I just have to keep quiet and suck it up. And bitch quietly.

Alright, alright, it might sound petty to you, like, ek eleh pasal parut buah pun nak marah sampai gitu skali ker? Right. To me, not being in control of matters related to my son, especially when i have something in mind, and have my plans foiled by that *(&*&^, is not right. It matters because I AM THE MOTHER. He is MY son. I should be doing things for him. I and the father la of cos. If i say i want to feed him, let me feed him dont say, "takpela puan pegi la makan saya boleh suap". Just shut up and pass me the spoon.

Get it??

Imagine you're getting married and you have decided to wear cream for your big day, you have it all in your mind including design, tinggal nak tempah je, and you are going to use your hard-earned money to pay for it, then someone else just tempah another baju for you just because she thought its her responsibility to get you that baju or she thinks you'll look pretty in it. And get this, the baju is green, and hideous. You can't really get mad because they're being nice, but you hate the dress too. Its YOUR WEDDING. It's YOUR PICTURES in those albums.

Are you with me now?