The Last Smile

He left me 14 years ago.

I still remember a year before that, I was in UM doing Asasi Program and Abah had just bought me my first handphone. Not quite knowing how to treat a handphone, I switched it off every night because why would you need the phone at night? Who is going to call you in the middle of the night?

Obviously, I was wrong.

At 7.00 am one day, I received many many texts from my family, one of them from my brother, saying, “Ajan pergi mana? Kenapa tutup handphone? Abah masuk Hospital Selayang pagi tadi, pagi nanti banglang ambik Ajan.”

My heart dropped. The simplicity of that text, the deductions I could make with that one text.

I was such a daddy’s girl. I cried for days when he lost half his weight to thyroid. He wasn’t admitted or anything but I cried fearing the worst. On our way to the hospital, Banglang filled me in in a way that didn’t illustrate the gravity of the situation. I only found out how bad it was when Kakgah told me how Abah was down on all fours trying tu suppress the pain. The doctor said that the pain was unbearable. That was when I broke down.

I can’t remember how long was Abah admitted, but I remember that being the first of the many, long hospital stays. And then I received my scholarship to the States, barely three weeks after the first hospital episode.

There was no way I was accepting it with Abah being sick like that.  Hell no. Plus, the offer was for an Engineering Degree, something that I have crossed out my list the day I missed my chance to be a doctor. Looking back, it’s probably a good thing, I am too emotional to be a doctor.

Anyways. I told Abah I was not going and I was quite adamant to it. I refused to fill in any forms or make any preparations. Until soon after when he made Kakngah tell me this:

“Abah nak Ajan pergi. Dia kata jangan risaukan dia, he’ll be fine. He really wants you accept it.”

So I did, honouring my father’s wish.

Then he was admitted again and again. He was in IJN for quite some time, I think it was for months. At least it felt that long. He decided to go for bypass surgery. On my birthday that year, June 3rd 2001, Kakngah cheered me up and brought me to Jaya Jusco to celebrate. She gave me RM100 and told me to spend it all. After that we went to visit Abah, and I made him promise he’ll be well soon. That same week, I went to Kotaraya with Maliki my good friend, and I stopped by Metrojaya to buy him a Father’s Day card. 

Then came Tuesday, 12 June 2001, the day of the operation. While he was prepping himself in his ward, I told him I’ll see him soon. I told him I’ll be waiting for him. He was very cheerful that morning, he told me, "I'll see you soon". I remember feeling happy, because Abah is coming home soon. Everything was going to be well. My sister looked gloomy, she wept when Abah wasn't looking, but I remember telling her to chill, because Abah will be fine. "Apesal awak nangis-nangis ni? Dia pegi operate je la." She didn't smile. She knew something and she wasn't telling me. I'm glad she didnt, because I if I had known, I would've clung to him and not let him go. 

The nurses helped him on the stretcher. He looked calm, you know. It was time to go. When he was being wheeled off to the operating theatre,  he waved and gave us the biggest smile.A very beautiful smile. 

That was his last smile.

He never recovered from the surgery and he passed on Thursday, 14 June 2001. He broke his promise, and the card never met its intended recipient.

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I don’t remember how many times I have told and written this story. But that last smile is so clear in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I can still see it. It’s the first thing that popped up every time I think of him. 

That last smile. So beautiful, yet it reminds me of such a sad story.

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Abah,

I have moved on. 

But you will always be in my heart. You’re my father, you’re my first boyfriend.Every day I pray to Allah for you.  I have loved you and will always love you.

I never get to say I’m sorry for the things I’ve done to you, I  don’t get to bring you for umrah like I said I would. I am sorry don't get to bring you out for fancy dinners and take you for a ride in my car.

I am sorry that I am not an engineer.

Thank you for making me go to RPI, because that’s where I met my husband. He is like you. Exactly like you. Caring and protective, ensuring that his family always gets the best. I am well cared for. 

Thank you for being my father. Thank you for everything. Thank you for the wonderful memories. 

Happy 76th Birthday 

Love,

Ajan