It has been 16 years

...since the last goodbye.

I am not sure if I have made you proud. I am not sure if I have helped you much since you've passed. I am not even sure if I have taken care of my mother as good as I should. 

I am not sure if I have led my life as you want it for me.  I am not even sure if I have moved on from being that daddy's little girl. I am not sure if I think of you as often as I should.  

I have two kids now. If you were around, I am quite sure you will not heran much for my two boys. You'd love them, I know, but you know, I don't think you'd take them out for rides every evening. They are your 13th and 16th, after all. I don't mind, seriously.

Bah, 16 years is a long, long time, Bah. Every 1st Syawal, on the first takbir, I would cry because I miss you. Every Syawal since you left. 

I am now a grown woman, Bah. No longer the girl that you used to pick up from school, the one you send to extra classes at night. No longer the girl that you visited every week without fail in boarding school. Okay you did miss a week when you went to Medan or Bali I can't remember, and I cried because none of my siblings wanted to come and visit me instead. 

I don't know where I am going with this, Bah. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I miss you. 

I miss you, but I cannot, for the life of me, remember our conversations. They have faded, Bah. I miss you. 

I do, however, remember that time when you hung up on me when I told you my SPM result. Then you called back two secs later, and told me to not stay out too late. What would I give to see you again. To be pampered by you again. And to have you back me up whenever I argued with Apit. I always win, because I am daddy's little girl. Apit had no chance against me. 

There is also another story that I remember. You told me this sad story of you getting only ten cents for duit belanja, you'd spent all on karipap and then drank from the tap when no one was looking. You told me this story when I asked you to increase my school allowance. I never asked again. I still remember imagining at the tap water, looking left and right and minum air paip. 

Dramalah abah ni. 

I miss you Bah. 

I remember at 6.00 pm, today, 16 years ago, I called Cikgu Azian and told her about you. I told her that you have been sick but that day you showed signs of waking up. I told her it's okay, you were going to be okay. 

But that was not true. 

You left at 9.00 that night. 

You left me that night. 

Kakngah has been crying non stop days before the operation. Kakngah said you might not wake up at all. I didn't know how bad it was for you. I didn't know. I told kakngah it was going to be fine. Come to think of it I think kakngah was cruel because she didn't tell me what she knew. 

I truly believed that you were going to be okay when I made that call at 6 pm.

You know what was worse was that day, I was told to leave your side because I made you sad. They said you can hear the things I said to you and that I was making you sad and your heart rate dropped. So I left your side, stayed at the surau praying and praying for you to wake up.

Then I made that call at 6.00 pm thinking my prayers were answered. 

It wasn't. 

He loves you more.

But I was broken.

I lost my daddy that night at 9. 

Or 930. 

I don't even remember the time. 

I miss you, Bah.

What would I give to see you again. 

To show my two kids to you. To see them call you atok. 

I miss you Bah. 

I am sorry I don't pray enough. I'm sorry for everything. 

And thank you for everything.