Mana Lagi Penting, Kerja ke Anak?

To be honest, that is a question that no working mother should have to answer.

Well hello there, it's been ages! My last post was on 14 June 2017. A year and a half ago. So, so, so, many things have happened since then. In one a half year, I had battled with depression, fought suicidal thoughts, got promoted, in fact, promoted twice (almost!), performed umrah, discovered a whole new me, found out that I love being a boss while at the same time scared of the power it gave me. So, so, so many things happened that as a result, I believe, I am no longer the same person I was a year and a half ago. 

Now where was I? 

I haven't written for so long that I now find it very difficult to articulate myself. Writing Instagram captions for my children's birthdays feels like an uphill task nowadays that I often resort to "No words can describe how much I love you, baby" because, 1) no words can truly capture my feelings for my children and 2) while I never was a good writer, at least the words came out effortlessly without me having to resort to thesaurus. 

Right. Back to the topic.

Having two kids who, on a daily basis, tell me "I love you to the heavens, mami" makes me feel like the most important person in the world and I will not trade that for anything.  My mornings are always chaotic - getting two boys off the bed is no easy task (tho I can't complain because they probably take this from me). It does not stop there - these two would quarrel over who gets the bigger slice of bread, who gets roti canai with more chocolate chips,  who gets more vitamins, you get the idea. But it's all a beautiful chaos - I treasure my mornings because when I send them off to school, both of them would kiss me on the cheek and say "Be good at office Mami!" and "I love you Mami!". 

When I pick them up from school, Hadi would come running at me, shouting "Mami! Mami!" "I am hungry Mami!", and Kimi couldnt wait to tell me all about his day. In the car on our way home, both kids would talk over each other, both excited to talk about the days they've had. Most times, I would have to tell them to take turns and the one who goes second would protest silently or as polite as he could. 

At night, when we're done with dinner, I would tuck both of them into beds, read them bedtime stories and stayed in the room until both of them fall asleep, but not before giving me big hugs and telling me how much they love me. 

"I love you to the heavens, Mami!", says Hadi. 

"Sorry Mami kalau ada apa apa", says Abang. 

And the day's troubles blink out of existence. Just like that. 

My kids are everything to me. 

BUT.

I have to stay sane too, and my job is my way of staying sane. Having another purpose in life gives me the confidence that I need, to show my children that their mother is a strong, independent woman. Having a job gives me a sense of self. Call me whatever you want, but having a job makes me feel important. It makes me feel confident and in turn, makes me a feel like a better mother because I can provide.  We have different opinions, and we have different ways of appreciating ourselves. Whatever rocks my boat won't necessarily rock yours and that's OK. 

Most of the times, I want to give my best. If that means staying late at work, I would tho I don't actually want to. If it means staying up after putting the kids to bed to finish a power point presentation, I would. If it means I have to drive 60km to some remote industrial area to attend a meeting, I would. If it means I have to fork out RM500 of my own money to make sure I can deliver  my projects to clients, I would. If I have to go meet the CEO to present a paper, I would (I'd rather not, but if given no choice, I would). If I had to attend a meeting while on MC for conjunctivitis, I would (I actually did, once). I had, on one occasion, chaired a meeting in a pair of tracksuit and sweaters, because I was from the hospital, accompanying Hadi who was warded for dengue. I had a great support system, thank you to the in-laws. 

But if I have to take leave to take care of my sick children, I would and I will not question why I have to do it. Fortunately, I have a very understanding employer who allowed me to work from home and I hope I will continue to be blessed with one in the future. I had, on a lot of occasions, stayed with my kids at the hospital and at the same time, worked on presentation papers. I have, on MANY occasions, went home with unfinished paperwork, and without even taking off my tudung, got into the kitchen and started cooking, put kids to bed, and continued on paperwork (or skip lunch the next day, if I were too tired or lazy to work the night before). 

I guess what I want to say is, you really should not ask a working mother what her priorities are. Because we know what our priorities are, and they may not at all times be the children/family. There's a very fine line between these two, and our priorities sometimes shift with circumstances. It is difficult enough trying to juggle both worlds and trying to be the best in both, and it hurts when our priorities are being questioned. 

You might not feel the same way, and you don't have to. You might call me a useless mother for putting work ahead of my kids, and you will say, "I cannot leave my children no matter what the circumstances are". Well good for you that you can afford to do that, because, some of us, we don't have that luxury. And it goes without saying that it hurts us a lot when we have to choose work over our family. 

I can only hope that my children will see that I have tried my best to be a good mother and have good career at the same time. That when they grow up, they will look back and see that I have done all I could to provide the best life for them, be a good role model and at the same time shower them with all the love that I have. I hope I will not disappoint them. 

Of course, none of this would have been possible if I didn't have a great support system, without which, I might have gone mental already. 

____

Ha. That was a long, long post.